Life Is About Making The Right Decisions
by theywillneverknow
Summary: One-shot Pepperony in which Tony deals with the darker repercussions of involving his assistant in this super hero business. Inspired by 'Don't Look Behind You' Judie Tzuke.
1. And Moving On

**Title: **Life is about making the right decisions and moving on

**Author:** firstflier  
**Rating:** T – adult themes implied

**Length:** 1,254 words

**Summary: '**_Don't look behind you__. __Just do as I do__. __Then if you're lucky__ y__our shadow won't find you.'_

**Author's Note: **I don't really know what happened. I heard this song and the fic came to life. Sort of. I think it loses momentum but I wanted to post it anyway. I have an idea for a multi-chap story (it's not all super-angst like this I promise!) but I wanted to get a feel for this style before I committed myself. Concrit is greatly appreciated!

Life Is About Making The Right Decisions And Moving On

_Don't look behind you._

He sits next to her in the back of the limo and he doesn't know what to say.

For the first time in his life there is nothing witty or sarcastic or clever or comforting that can help. Pepper sits with her head in her hands and her hair is like a fiery curtain covering her tear stained face. She stares unseeingly at the traffic and scenery buzzing angrily past the window and Tony wants to just reach out and take her hand.

He wants to tell her that it's okay. He wants to tell her that it isn't her fault. But most of all he wants to tell her that he still loves her.

Regardless of what has happened.

Regardless of the fact that she just blew up a government building in order to save him.

Regardless of the fact that the resulting explosion killed three people.

He wants to hold her and kiss her and make her believe him. He wants to fix this damaged woman but she is untouchable and unreachable. So he watches her in silence and listens to her dry, heaving sobs as she stares out the window. Her breath shudders in and out of her body and it sounds so painfully _loud _in the silence between them. He watches her carefully; like she could break at any moment and he wonders whether she already has.

He knows for a fact that his heart is breaking with every whimper falling from her lips.

There are no words forming in his mind but there are so many things he wants to say; so many things that will remain unsaid as the chasm grows wider with every passing moment.

When Happy stops the car inside Tony's garage, Pepper leaps from her seat, scrambles out the door and races up the stairs towards the main house. Tony sits in the back of the limo blinking for a few long moments. He isn't entirely sure what just happened but as he steps out of the car he can feel his knees go weak with anticipatory dread.

He finds Pepper hauling up the contents of her stomach in one of the downstairs bathrooms.

Tony feels awkward and helpless and, as she rests her face against the cold metal of the cistern, he can't bear to look at her. The image is far too soul destroying; it's Pepper Potts crumbling and he doesn't know what that means. His whole world has just shifted because now Pepper isn't his rock any more. It feels like she's slipping further and further away; sinking down in the quick sand.

What's even worse is that she doesn't seem to be fighting very hard to stay above the surface.

"Just don't...don't think about it. It happened and there's nothing either of us can do to change that. For what it's worth I'm sorry you had to do that. But seriously, Pepper, don't look behind just look ahead. Trust me; that's what I do." His words come out a jumble and he knows that what he is asking her to do is impossible; as hard as he tries, he can't forget about the faces of innocent women and children that have been lost in the line of duty. Their faces haunt him every day and yet here he is, barely 12 hours after the incident, and he's asking her to just move on. He knows that asking her to just forget about it is callous and not at all appropriate and he knows that running from what has happened will be worse in the long run but if she can just escape for a few hours it will be enough.

He doesn't want to watch her fall apart on his bathroom floor. He's a selfish bastard but he doesn't think his heart can take it.

She eventually turns those bottomless, glassy blue eyes on him and he sucks in a sharp breath at the emotion he finds swimming there. Her face is pale and sickly looking, her hair is limp against her neck but her eyes hold him captive. He wants to look away more than he's wanted anything in his entire life but she's merciless and her stare keeps him rooted to the spot. She wants comfort and understanding and empathy and he's not sure he understands any of those concepts enough to actually be of any use to her.

Her lower lip starts trembling and something snaps.

He does the only thing he knows he is good at; he hauls her to her feet and presses his lips against hers.

There is a brief moment of hesitation and then she is tangling her hands in his hair and pulling hard – _too _hard – and she's walking them backwards, out of the bathroom and towards the nearest guest room.

He keeps his kisses gentle and rubs soothing circles against her hips but this isn't what she wants and it's not what's going to happen. She tries to force the kiss into something much darker and much more terrifying but Tony has always been quite good at control in this aspect of his life.

He doesn't expect her vicious bite so when her teeth bite down his moment of surprise makes it shamefully easy for her to shove her tongue down his throat.

He should have guessed; she's always the one that's in charge and it's not going to be any different in the bedroom.

He follows her lead (this is about her after all) and, although it's not quite what he imagined for the two of them, it's Pepper and that's more than enough for him. At least whilst he is holding her she isn't flying apart and really, what more could he ask for?

_There you are with your head in your hands__  
__Images flash past the window_

_And you know you must move on__  
__Cause what's done is done__  
__Don't look behind you__  
__Just do as I do__  
__Then if you're lucky__  
__Your shadow won't find you_

_Don't look behind you__  
__Just do as I do__  
__Keep straight on it's the only way I know__  
_

Afterwards, he rolls to his side and listens to her breathing. It's getting cold without her warmth and he is suddenly very aware of his nudity. It seems she is too because she has the covers pulled up to her chin and is blinking very, very slowly. This time, when she gets up to leave, it's nothing like her scramble from the car. She swings her slim legs over the side of the bed and raises with more grace than Tony can even imagine possessing. She pulls her underwear on and walks around the bed, modesty be damned apparently.

He sits up in bed and watches with alarm as she gathers the rest of her clothes.

"Pepper?"

She pauses for the briefest of seconds and he watches the muscles in her back tense.

"Pepper, talk to me."

The sheet curls around his hips as he props himself up on his elbows. She doesn't stop her evacuation plan and his alarm explodes into full blown panic.

"Pepper. Please."

She pulls on her jeans and leaves through the open bedroom door. He hates that she decides now is the best time to start listening to him; she doesn't even glance over her shoulder at him.

And he can't even be angry because that's what he's been telling her and teaching her to do his entire life.

_Just do as I do._

_Don't look behind you._

_&&Fin._


	2. In which Tony offers himself

**Title:** In which Tony offers himself

**Author:** firstflier  
**Rating:** T – adult themes implied and naughty language

**Length:** 2,130

**Summary:** Pepper is hurting and Tony does everything he can to comfort her.

**Author's Note:** Inspired by 'Fall at your feet' the Crowded House version.

I'm really close tonight  
And I feel like I'm moving inside her  
Laying in the dark  
And I think that I'm beginning to know her

He's lying next to her and he wonders when this became a normal _thing. _

The rational part of his brain that is still functioning insists that this – whatever _this _is – is not normal. At all. It is, in fact, the farthest and strangest from normal Tony Stark has ever been.

And he's been around a lot of weird and wonderful things.

He's not sure that 'wonderful' is the word he should use to describe the situation but weird sounds about right. Pepper sighs and he worms ever closer to her body. His arm pulls her back tight up against his chest and he rubs the material of her blouse between his thumb and forefinger. He wishes she would say something but, like always, she is as quiet as he is.

She shivers and he reaches almost absently for the duvet cover to pull over both of them.

"Don't."

Her voice is sharp in the roaring silence that rages between them and the barked command makes him abandon his quest for the blanket.

"Pep, I-"

"Shh." She cuts him off but it is not a rebuke; it is a plea and he swallows his sentence down around the lump that has suddenly, inexplicably, risen in his throat. He buries his face in her hair and inhales a mixture of lavender and something he can only describe as 'fresh'. Without warning she rolls over and is staring at him in the darkness. Something in her eyes makes his breath catch and he cannot look away from her. She is blinking slowly and her gaze travels across his face, settling finally on his lips. It brings back memories of a time when they were in this bed doing an entirely different activity.

They haven't spoken about what happened between them and he doubts they ever will.

Instead, they ignore the fact that they had sex a few weeks ago and lie next to each other, fully clothed, in the black, silence of his bedroom for a couple of hours every day. He has no idea why and he thinks maybe she is trying to explain.

He stares at her, swallows heavily and shifts his head slowly towards her.

Her hand against his chest stops him and he can see disappointment welling up alongside tears in her eyes.

"I should go."

He nods numbly, like he always does, and she slides from the bed to put her shoes on, like she always does.

Let it go  
I'll be there when you call

Just as she's slipping her foot into the second killer high heel, Tony catches the back of her skirt in his hands and tugs so she falls off balance and has to sit on the bed so as to avoid falling straight to the floor.

Her exasperated eye roll warns him that this is not the time to irritate her.

So he doesn't. His fingers release her skirt and he smiles an apology at her. She heads for the door again and, this time, it's his whisper that stops her.

"I'll wait up if you want to call."

She leaves and tries to pretend that his offer is a pointless waste of his breath because she won't call.

At 3.17am, precisely, Tony watches her name flash across his mobile. Like it always does.

And whenever I fall at your feet  
You let your tears rain down on me  
Whenever I touch your slow turning pain

It strikes him just how fucked up all this is a few days later.

He returns from a mission. The suit is dented and he can feel blood drying against his thigh, lower back, even matting in his hair. He doesn't really land in the workshop; he crashes. He manages to knock over a metal table and several tool kits. The noise is startling and it jars against the inside of his head as he struggles to find his balance. He feels hands helping him up and he turns to look forlornly at the redhead in stilettos who is trying to support most of his body weight.

It isn't supposed to be like this.

He isn't meant to feel so old and she isn't meant to look so tired.

She all but drags him out of the suit and over to the low couch sitting in the workshop. He moves to sit on the couch until her deceivingly strong little hands push him to the floor where his legs sprawl out from under him. He feels like a newborn Bambi but he is too exhausted to remember that he's meant to be looking after her not the other way round. She sits on the sofa and begins dabbing at some unseen wound on his neck with a cotton wool ball dipped in something that he's sure is good for him but stings like hell.

He manfully keeps his wincing to a minimum.

He jumps at the feel of something much warmer on the naked skin of his neck and he cranes his neck to see her. The sight is shocking and it feels like his heart has just stopped in his chest.

Her large, expressive sapphire eyes are swimming with tears and he watches in morbid fascination as they dribble down her cheeks and drop from her jaw line onto his neck. He closes his eyes against the image and fears that this impasse, this 'familiar stranger' routine will continue between them forever.

The rational part of his mind asserts that he might not have forever; Pepper will leave eventually. The clock is already ticking and he's just been too blind to notice.

That, more than anything, forces him into action and all of a sudden he's burying his head in her lap, wrapping his arms around her waist whilst her arms cradle his head tightly, as she begins crying in earnest. He stays there, clinging to her, feeling her breathing become shallow and uneven as she heaves in great gulps of air. He thought watching her fall apart was bad enough but actually _feeling_ it? Knowing the exact second that something else cracks and feeling it beneath his fingertips is soul destroying. It's beyond description. He's so distracted by trying to hold her together that he doesn't realise she is moving until she is on the floor with him, half atop his body as her face hides in his neck.

You're hiding from me now  
There's something in the way that you're talking  
The words don't sound right  
But I hear them all moving inside you.

The next day is as strange as ever and he tries not to notice. It's killing him to act like everything is normal when nothing could be further from the truth.

He hobbles into the workshop to find her picking up bloodied pieces of cotton wool with shaking hands. The image stops him in his tracks and when she finally looks up at him there is something wrong. Her eyes don't look right and he's not sure why. The thought worries him.

"Good morning, Mr Stark."

His heart deflates a little at the formal greeting but butterflies stir in his stomach for reasons even he can't determine. Something is wrong and he just doesn't know what yet. Pepper begins to ramble on about his schedule for the day and, as usual, he doesn't listen. He watches her move around the work shop and his eyes settle on the bundle of cotton wool in her left hand. The blood is slowly soaking into her fingertips and he is fascinated by the deep, sickening colour of red in comparison to her pale skin. She gradually notices that he's not paying attention to what she's saying and her eyes travel to where his gaze is focused.

The little colour that was left in her cheeks drains from her face and he wonders if she could look any sicker.

The finger of blame has turned upon itself  
And I'm more than willing to offer myself  
Do you want my presence or need my help  
Who knows where that might lead 

"Pepper are you alright?"

She laughs. She actually _laughs. _

It's this hollow, bitter sound that stings his ears and makes the hair on the back of his neck stand up.

"You don't really want me to answer that, do you Tony?" She arches her eyebrow at him and it almost feels like before. It almost feels like light, flirty banter. But it's not and it's no good trying to pretend it is.

"I don't know." He's wary and approaches her like a tiger afraid to startle the deer. His dark eyes watch her face for any change in her unreadable expression. "Will you tell me the truth? Or a lie you think I want to hear?"

There's a flicker of guilt across her face and he realises, suddenly, that _his _Pepper is still inside there somewhere. Then the flash is gone and the mask is back up.

"I'm going into the office." It's not a question or even a beg for release; it's a statement and she's not asking his permission. It's probably the closest Pepper has ever come to dismissing him like some unimportant skivvy. She starts walking away from him, her heels clicking harshly on the workshop floor.

He may be a coward and he may be selfish but he's not stupid and he's not going to let her get away with treating him like that. He reaches her in about three steps and grabs her roughly around her bicep. If she's not going to be gentle with him then he's not going to carry on walking on eggshells around her and treating her like she's made of glass.

She spins around and pins him with eyes blazing.

"Let go."

"No." The words grates out between clenched teeth and he vaguely realises that he might be losing control.

"I'm not going to ask again, Tony."

It might be the mother-like, scolding, condescending tone of her voice but something shatters inside of him. His other hand clamps on her arm and he shakes her slightly, enough that her nostrils flare and her eyes are practically spitting at him.

"Just stop it." He breathes the words onto her skin as a command and he can see goosebumps rise on her arms. He is mere inches away from her face and he knows that this is dangerous territory. She's staring at him and breathing hard. He thinks he can see the glimmer of arousal in her eyes but he can't be sure. He's not sure of anything anymore. The thought that she has become so unfamiliar to him is saddening and his grip slackens.

Sensing his weakness, Pepper uses her body weight to force him to sit on the desk chair behind him but his grip isn't that loose and she follows, landing heavily in his lap. Her hair whispers around his face and he thinks this would be the sexiest thing ever in any other circumstance. She slowly closes her eyes and relaxes in his grip. He lets out a shaky breath and wonders what the hell just happened.

The thought is over as soon as Pepper latches onto his lips.

Her hands slip around his neck and the dead weight of her arms on his shoulders make his back ache. It's only when he feels something wet slipping past his collar that he tries to pry her off of him. She pulls back an almost inconceivably small distance but it's enough for him to look at the soggy item she's grasping so tightly.

It's the wadded up ball of cotton wool and the dark image makes him shudder.

His fingers pull at her fist until finally the sodden lump falls to the floor with a heavy sound that Tony barely hears because Pepper is attacking him again. She's pulling at the buttons on his shirt, moaning into his mouth like some wanton porn star and his brain registers just how fucked up this is but he can't find the strength to stop.

He supposes that this has been a long time coming. Ever since their first encounter there has been a sizzle in the air between them. Something indefinable and intangible but still so obvious.

There is nothing to do but give in and offer her everything.

So he does.

Whenever I fall at your feet  
you let your tears rain down on me  
Whenever I fall.

When he wakes up in the morning and she is gone, he is not surprised.

He is surprised to find that it hurts just as much as the first time.

_&&Fin_


	3. In which Tony is lonely

**Title: **In which Tony is lonely

**Author:** firstflier  
**Rating:** PG

**Length:** 700 words

**Summary: **Tony can live without Pepper. He just doesn't want to.

**Author's Note: **Inspired by the beautiful '(If) When you go' by Judie Tzuke.

She hands in her resignation and he accepts the neatly typed document with a grace he doesn't feel.

She says she's sorry that it has come to this and he nods shakily. Her eyes implore him to understand and he tries – really, he does – but all he can think about is how much he's going to miss her.

Pepper asks if he wants her to interview people to fill her position but Tony just laughs and shakes his head.

"I'll be okay. I'm a big boy now." His voice cracks but she politely says nothing. He feels like the air is rushing from the room when he realises this is it. This is actually the end. He can't help but feel disappointed; this isn't the final chapter that he imagined for them. Their story is meant to be epic, the stuff of legends, and now all he can do is hope that there might be an epilogue after this anti-climactic ending.

There is so much left unsaid between them. He knows he shouldn't let her leave without telling her how he feels but he isn't selfish enough to emotionally blackmail her into staying. If she wants to leave it's because she has thought long and hard about her options and this is the best thing for her. If he told her that he was in love with her it would be unfair and cruel.

Two weeks pass and she hasn't changed her mind, hasn't retracted her resignation and he hasn't convinced her to stay; hasn't even tried. Her leaving gift is a framed copy of a poem. It's sad and cliché and he hates that he is cowardly enough to hide behind someone else's words but it pretty much sums up how he feels.

He used to read it as a child whenever he felt lonely and, being a child genius, it was a fairly regular read. His Mum tried to explain the difference between being alone and being lonely when he told her why he liked reading the poem. He remembers her words like they are being whispered in his ear at that very moment.

"Sometimes you might feel alone, Tony, and sometimes you might feel lonely but they don't have to be the same thing. Just because you are on your own, it doesn't mean people don't love you, it doesn't mean you have to be lonely. The man in this poem? That's loneliness, real, utter loneliness and I hope you never have to feel that. As long as you have me and your father, there is no need for you to feel lonely. We'll love you always. Remember that."

He thinks giving it to Pepper is poignant because this poem will be of little comfort to him now anyway; he's going to be lonely for a very long time after she goes.

Maybe he'll be lonely until she comes back.

_If _she comes back.

She reads it with tears standing in her eyes and he marvels at her strength. She whispers "I know, I know". She hugs him with one arm and he presses against her as tight as he can for as long as she lets him.

It's not enough.

She leaves anyway and he doesn't follow her.

_Stop all the clocks, cut off the telephone,__  
__Prevent the dog from barking with a juicy bone,__  
__Silence the pianos and with muffled drum__  
__Bring out the coffin, let the mourners come.___

_Let aeroplanes circle moaning overhead__  
__Scribbling on the sky the message He is Dead.__  
__Put crepe bows round the white necks of the public doves,__  
__Let the traffic policemen wear black cotton gloves.___

_He was my North, my South, my East and West,__  
__My working week and my Sunday rest,__  
__My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;__  
__I thought that love would last forever: I was wrong.___

_The stars are not wanted now; put out every one,__  
__Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun,__  
__Pour away the ocean and sweep up the woods;__  
__For nothing now can ever come to any good._

He finds her keys on his desk with a note saying she's sorry and that's when he finally breaks down.

_&& Fin_


End file.
